First Day

 

What do I want? this is a question that I have been asked a lot lately. Me? I don't have any clear answer to that except for the fact that I want to be at peace without hearing all the voices in my head. Seems absolutely impossible. The battlefield in my mind is like a warzone where bullets are fired from every direction. I want to place them here, in my blog, by writing them, to leave a trace of myself. I am going through a lot right now. or at least I feel like I am going through a lot, can't imagine worsen period in these past 25 years of my life.

 

It's been six months that I am dealing with depression. I genuinely haven't felt happy in these past six months. These past six months, I have been struggling with things that were bigger than my capacities. I am having the worst relationship with myself, I am not eating properly, I am unable to sleep, I am not taking care of myself by any means. The worst thing is that it seems supper fine to me to be in this living condition, as if I enjoy torturing myself. my brain looks for various reasons to convince me I am not deserving to love myself. "That's not for you" is what my brain screams all the time in my head even when someone is willing to provide me something. Let's imagine how much my relationships have been affected by this :)). "That's not you, it's your depressed mind," my psychologist told me. "It's not me, it's my depressed mind," I told him. "it's all I can see whether it's you or not", that's what he told me. 

 

Here I am, deciding to do what my psychologist advised me to do a month ago: taking anti-depression medicine, "citalopram 20". I start taking them because I simply can't cope with how anxious I am just by myself. I can't get out of this hole I am in right now. I dont have the strength. I feel weak in every bone of my body. I feel pain go through my body every time I blink. Do you know the feeling? it's when you can't even bring yourself to do things just because you're anxious.  

 

I start taking them today. March 27th. IIf I were still my old self, I would have waited until April 1st to start taking them. Just seems like a good number to start this process with. Everything has to have an exquisitely fresh start, right? But if I were still thinking the same way, I wouldn't be depressed, would I? Seven months in this hole and I haven't felt any improvement even though I was constantly fighting. Either that or I can't remember if there was any. That's why I am going to record myself from today on. I need to take something out of this phase. something to hang on it. 

 

So, on the first day of taking the medicine:

I feel so awakened even though I took the pill in the morning. I feel like I can stay awake forever. I dont feel tired at all which makes my brain work even more. Therefore, I feel a bit more anxious. In a way that I had to keep myself from shaking my legs and hands a few times today, this was new to me. My mouth tastes differently (I dont know if that's related, though). Other things were pretty much the same. 

 

I hope to write more next time when I get less distracted and more concentrated. 

 

Cheers 

27th March